I remember that night I wasn’t able to sleep, something kept bothering me.
Now, every morning I keep playing the same memory in my head. He opened his pants, removed her clothes, touched her, thought how beautiful she is and had sex with her.
I ask myself then, did I cross his mind while he was putting a condom. I again asked myself, were you not okay with an open relationship?
He recently felt guilty and told me, that night he slept with her.
But, he his guilt never could stopped him. He told me that he was guilty but he kept flirting with another woman. He tells me he was lost and went astray.
I asked myself, till how long will I play this memory?
What it is to be away from a loved one?
It has been almost seven years since I left home. A small town that I always wanted to run out off. The world outside of that small place always looked more glamorous. The young me wanted to be all the character of all Bollywood cliche movies.
The night I left my place, I was worried how my younger brother would do without me as I was his only friend. I thought he would cry a lot seeing me leave. But, the night I left that small town, he did not cry, at least not in front of me and neither did I (in front of him).
It was the first time in my life when I started my search; for a lover, for rights, and for deep waters. At the same time, my heart did skip a beat, I thought that I am leaving my old lover- the one I was then ashamed of.
Eventually, I moved on and now I am…
Sometimes not letting me get up from the bed and just breath is all I want
I close my eyes and I am in a lawn next to a small koi pond
With many people around it still isn’t very loud
It all feels so heightened up without being on any drugs
Another time, I am on the hills
The sun came up after a few days and with the kid inside me I ran up the hill
With a thin stick, I keep running in circles
Sometimes, I want to put my earphones and not talk to anybody for days
And it did not work out
That day and the month before that day and there were many more like those
Each time I could not stop feeling so bad
Each time I could be stop crying
I wish I could undo some of them
I wish I could be a little longer in that time
I wish my wish would come true
The hollow space makes me want you more and more
I still don’t know what do I want
Do I want you or I am letting you be selfish
Only for the moment, I just want a moment with you.
Confusion is juggling; while talking the train and sipping a cigarette
I want to be confronted but neither do I know the question, not the answers
Is there a wrong path or they will all lead to the same?
What is the craziest thing that I did?
Tik-tok-tik-tok, it runs but not in circles
she reminds me of Owls, but memory is a past
Her smell is no more familiar and not even her eyes
I know the truth, but I will hide it like I always do.
Gasping for breath, I would now only stop on my knees
To see the cascade and the sea and the mountains and the field.
Its time to be confused, and I will be.
While reading Murakami’s Kafka on the shore, I realised that I do also have the boy named crow with me.
His existence has been quite blurry. On days I was happy, he did not speak much or I got too involved with other things to notice him. While on the days I couldn’t talk much he did not stop talking.
He did scare me on occasions and at times, I thought what if he if doesn’t go away.
Most of Kafka on the shore does not make sense, yet it was all okay to keep going about it. May be he wanted to make resemblance with life. Or I felt it.
How do you love a tree without touching it?
How do you love nature without feeling it?
It is difficult to feel to be in love without even being scared of it.
But, how do you feel scared without knowing it?
I told somebody that leaving Bangalore feels that I am going so far. But, she told me, some people still hold it. I hoped for the same, but the other truth is, some people don’t make it happen.
I forgot to think that I can be on the other side as well. I don’t feel like a loser but I am sad. The feeling is of seeing rain go away; I know that there will be more rains, it’s just the feeling of seeing this one go away. So, you don’t spot it, because you can’t, you just look at it go.